Just Ask Oldguy

Ah, the key to a happy marriage… I’ll give you a couple of options to choose from.  One of them is true.

1. the key to a happy marriage is for the male to realize that it is impossible to understand the female, while simultaneously realizing that things just go smoother if he just does what he’s told.  The validity of this possible answer is supported by businesses, for example:



2. the key to a happy marriage is most dependent (statistically) on birth order.  A first born should never marry a first born; the very best is for a first born female to marry a last born male whose older siblings are all female.  Would I lie to you about this?  No, because it’s a scientific study and you cannot argue with science!  The uptight firstborn needs somebody to show them how to relax and enjoy life.  Meanwhile, that same overachieving female will dote upon the male, who has been brought up being doted upon.  Do the research if you don’t believe me.
3. the key to a happy marriage is lots and lots of money to enable acquisition of lots of distractions.
4. the key to a happy marriage is for the male to have a workshop to which to escape from time to time.  If he can come back with useful items he’s built, so much the better as it justifies the time away.
5. the key to a happy marriage is to make it through the rough times without killing one another.  As the Brits said during WWII: “Keep calm and carry on.”
6. the key to a happy marriage was best described by Winston Churchill (who wasn’t talking about marriage when he said it): “A man does what he must – in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures – and that is the basis of all human morality.“
7. the key to a happy marriage is age.  Men mature quite late (in their late twenties or early thirties), while women mature much earlier.  I can’t remember the exact timing without some research, but I recall that women are designed to have babies in their late teens or early twenties (physically).  So you really need a bit of an age difference.
8. this answer is similar to the previous point, but very slightly different.  A good marriage depends on both parties actually being ready to get married (which is quite different than them thinking that they’re ready to get married, but I digress).  As it turns out, statistics from matchmaking services indicate that when two people are both ready to get married, they will have a successful union regardless of how well they actually know each other.  This may (or may not) partially explain why arranged marriages have a higher success rate than you might expect.
9. just kidding about that last Churchill quote… actually, the key to a happy marriage is best described by a different Winston Churchill quote: “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”  In essence, you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be unhappy and discontent.  Your reaction to events is a choice you can (and must) make.  This is not only the key to a happy marriage, but to a happy life in general.
10. I had you going there, didn’t I?  The real relevant Churchill quote is actually: “Never, never, never give up.”
11. you will notice that I have not mentioned “love”.  That’s because statistically, arranged marriages are slightly more successful than marriages based on love (if such a thing really exists).  Cynics believe that a good marriage is more of a business relationship; or as it was put to me once long ago: “women give sex for friendship, men give friendship for sex.”  Something to think about.
12. the key to a happy marriage is for the male to very occasionally come up with irrefutable logic showing that he is correct while simultaneously making the female happy.  This has only happened to me once in my lifetime, and was one of the most euphoric moments of my brief existence thus far:

me: <gives an opinion involving a matter of taste>

her: <gives a contractory opinion>

me: “You’re wrong.  I’m right.  I have better taste than you.” <– this is a potentially fatal statement.

her: “You do not!!!!!” <– moving quietly towards the knife block in the kitchen.

me:  ”Yes I do.  After all, I married you… but you married me.”

Game, Set, Match.

There you go.  Though each of these possible answers at least tangentially touch on the truth, one of them is the exact full truth.  Let the discussions begin.

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